24 hours post op

Well it's been 24 hours since I came out of surgery and I have to say, I'm feeling pretty good!  Last night I slept in my bed with all 12 of my normal pillows that's I've needed since my mastectomy (I'm exaggerating, but I really do have a lot of pillows!). I woke up once in the middle of the night to pee and I felt very sore and achy in my shoulders and back. It was hard to get out of bed. I had the intention of taking another oxycodone but it was too much effort to go find my pills and get a drink so I just went back to bed and fell right asleep. I got up at a regular time this morning, was able to brush was daughters' hair and help them tie their shoes, and they went to school. All I've taken today is Tylenol and I'm okay with that. My incisions itch like mad though. I want to tear off the surgical glue and scratch and scratch. I know the itching will subside in a few days and that it's a sign of healing. But it's still driving me crazy!  I can't take a shower for another day, which is pretty gross. But I feel really quite normal. Just itchy and sore. But I can live with that!  I anticipate I'll be mostly back to normal within a week. And the more I look at my new boobs, the more I love them!

Reconstruction: Complete!

Today I had my reconstruction and implant surgery. It was scary again, but much less so since I knew the drill already. I had a different anesthesiologist but Dr Chang was awesome as always. The surgery went quicker than expected, just like last time. This one was outpatient, and they don't play around!  I woke up, ate some crackers and had a diet coke, they brought my mom back, gave me more crackers, got me dressed and sent me on my way!  I was in recovery for maybe an hour. Also, a funny little thing about my new boobs: they come with an ID card!  Apparently they have serial numbers hahaha!  So my boobs are registered.  For some reason this cracks me up (maybe its the pain meds....).

My mom brought me home to my husband and youngest daughter, who had bought me a balloon and some mums and a pumpkin cake. Then I spent the afternoon sitting in bed watching movies on the DVR that I've just never had time to watch. It was a nice day. 

Now to the important stuff. The boobs. Overall I am quite happy with them. They have a really nice, natural shape and they're a great size for my body. Right now they're swollen so they look like a large B/ small C. But Dr C has assured me they're a B, which is exactly what I wanted.  He also did lipo on my ugly man-boob area under my armpits so that's smooth now. My boobs are nice and round and perky and symmetrical. The only thing I was displeased with was the incision. I knew it would go back to my armpit but I didn't realize it would come all the way to my cleavage. I was a little disappointed when I first saw it. My mom keeps reminding me that the incisions will fade and become almost invisible in time, as hers did. I know she's right. But it's hard to look at right now since they're all red and scary looking. My mastectomy scars (which are gone now) healed nicely and were almost invisible after just 5 months so I know these will heal too. I'm still very excited about the whole thing though, because the shape is simply gorgeous. You'll have to take my word for it because I'm not completely comfortable posting topless pics. 

However, I do have pics that are PG!

You can see I'm still covered in purple marker, which takes forever to wash off. Not to mention I'm not allowed to shower for 48 hours (eww). But you can see the incisions in my cleavage and then the other end under my armpit. Use your imagination to visualize that the incisions go all the way across on both breasts, and there are no nipples. I know it sounds freaky but I'm pretty used to it by now :)

Follow up with the gynecologic oncologist

Yesterday I went to see Dr. I.  Even with an appointment at 7:30 am, I still waited an hour for him to swoop in, do a ten second exam, and swoop back out.  I did see him in his office afterwards and we discussed my mastectomy, and my future with him.  He's going to continue to monitor me for ovarian cancer every six months as we've been doing.  I have a prescription for my annual CA-125 blood test, and my internal ultrasound of my ovaries.  I did ask him about the possibility of going on birth control pills as a means to reduce my risk, but he feels that it doesn't provide enough of a reduction to make it worth having to remember a pill every day for who knows how long.  He said if I want it, he will give me a prescription though.  I decided to pass.  So, for now, I'm just being monitored same as always!

Surgery #2!

Exciting news!  Today I got my paperwork for my reconstruction surgery.  It's scheduled for October 2, which is a Wednesday.  It's in the same surgery center where I had my mastectomy (within the same hospital).  This one is an outpatient surgery, and the recovery is much easier from what I'm told.  I should be back to driving within a week.  I'm so excited to get these damn expanders out.  They have seemed to soften over time, and I can no longer feel the edges of them poking into my rib cage, so that's nice.  But I can feel the ports on the fronts of them, and I have this really gross fat flap thing on the sides of my boobs, like almost under my armpit.  So even though I don't need a bra for support, I still need one for shaping.  (Whole other story, but OMG it was so hard to find a bra to fit!  Underwire won't work so I needed a soft one, like a training bra!)  Anyway, Dr. C feels that I am going to be super happy with my results.  I don't think he gets me at all, because I really couldn't care less what they look like!  I just want them to have a somewhat normal shape so I can wear my clothes sans bra, and sleep on my stomach again.  Scars don't matter to me in the slightest, especially since I just plan to tattoo over them!  I have my pre-op appointment on September 26th, and that will just be bloodwork and a check up.  My other pre-op consisted of bloodwork, a check up, and EKG and a chest x-ray, but apparently the latter two are valid for 6 months.  Yay!  It's funny, I'm not nearly as nervous about surgery this time, maybe because the first one went so well.  I really feel as though I had a good surgery experience, even though I had one hell of a recovery.  The procedure itself went well, the hospital staff was wonderful, and I woke up feeling pretty good, considering.  Fingers crossed that this one goes the same!

300ccs and 350ccs

I know I've been slacking with posts, but there just isn't anything too terribly exciting to report at this point. I got two more fills, and I have two more to go. I told Dr. C that I want to be a B for sure and I'm really excited to be done with the whole reconstruction and start my new life with perky little boobies!  In the meantime, here are the pics of my past two fills. 

300ccs

350ccs

Keep in mind that I'm wearing a bra in the bottom pic. It evens out my skin folds so I don't look so weird, but it also makes me look a tad larger than I really am. I can't wait to not need bras to smooth it all out!

Exchange surgery scheduled!

I met with Dr. C the other day. I got filled again to 300ccs (he said he could add 100ccs instead of the 50 we normally do but I was afraid it would hurt so we just did the 50). We also discussed my size goal, which is now a B. I feel that the bigger my chest gets, the less I like it. I really was happier with less boobs. So I'm going to go with a B. I really think I'll like that. I went to the store and took a billion bras into a dressing room and tried them on and stuffed them and checked it out with a shirt on. The B made me happier than the C. Anyway, so I told Dr. C that I want to be a B and he recommends 3 more fills. So I'll be at 450ccs. He wants to have it over expanded to have lots of room to work with when doing the exchange surgery. He also confirmed that he will do lipo on my lovely new underarm fat pouches, and that his goal is to have a great cosmetic result for me. I feel really confident that he's going to make me look good. I really don't care about the scarring and stuff like that, I'm mostly worried about how I'll look in clothes. I hate these fat bulges and its hard to find clothes that don't look funny right now. I know it's temporary but its very annoying. 

While I was there, we scheduled my exchange surgery for October 10. I was hoping for sooner but he's all booked up apparently. Fall must be face lift season or something. 

So I'm almost done getting fills, and surgery is scheduled!  Not much else will happen between now and then, so I guess in the meantime I'll just be waiting for this chapter to be closed :)

200ccs and 250ccs

I'm such a slacker. I forgot to post pics from my last two fills. So here they are!  I'm actually not liking them as they get bigger. I miss not having boobs!  I'm going to talk with Dr. C about this at my appointment next week because now in thinking maybe I want to be more like an A. I feel skinnier with teeny boobs and I can wear whatever I want and I like that. I think I'm going to go to a store and try on bras in all different sizes so I can see how I'll look in different sizes. It's so hard to decide what I want, knowing I'll be stuck with it!  Anyway, here are my pics...

Those are 200ccs. You can see the fat bulge under my armpit that will be fixed in my revision surgery. You can also see the healing red wound under my arm from where my drains came out. 

These are 250ccs. You can see my weird dented boobs here pretty clearly. The dent is where the incision is. The skin folds there because I had a skin sparing mastectomy so I have a lot of extra skin hanging out. It's pretty gross lol!  It will look much better after revision surgery though. 

One month post-mastectomy

It's hard to believe it's been a month already.  It's crazy how much I've improved since I woke up in the hospital.  I feel really normal again and I have very few limitations at this point.  I can't wait to get these expanders out and heal completely and get back to my life!

I've had 2 fills in my expanders now, so they are each at 200ccs.  I get 50ccs at each appointment, and I will be aiming for a large B still.  I'm still really happy with having small breasts.  The most annoying thing at this point is that I can't wear whatever I want because things are so lumpy and weird.  I have ugly fat bulges under my arms and my incisions still have puckered skin folded over.  So I have to put some sort of padding in my shirt to smooth things out.  I usually go with a padded sports bra, but sometimes if I have on something fitted I can get away with using those little triangles that you find inside a bikini top.  I stuff them into my top and hope they don't pop out because I won't feel them!  I asked Dr. C about all of this and I have been assured that they will do liposuction to smooth out the bulges and my puckered incisions will lay flat.  He's a great plastic surgeon so I'm going to muddle through this and trust that he will give me a good cosmetic result.

Physically I feel good.  I haven't tried running yet, because I've been so lazy these last few weeks that I don't think I have the endurance for it right now.  I'm going to have to start slowly back into that I think.  I have tried to do some sit ups and that went fairly well.  I can get out of bed and get up off the floor if I sit down, I can put away dishes and drive again.  I can't do laundry because I can't carry the basket full of clothes up and down the stairs.  Two days ago I took my kids out for a day of errands and we were gone all day long, like we used to do before my surgery.  I felt a little tired afterwards, but not sore.

My biggest complaint aside from my appearance is the expanders.  They're really not comfortable at all.  I still have trouble sleeping on my back, as I am typically a belly sleeper.  I have to surround myself with pillows and turn slightly to the side to sleep okay.  I also hate when something presses against my chest, like if someone gives me a hug, not knowing about the mastectomy, or when I put on my seatbelt.  It's weird because I can't feel anything but the pressure.  My skin has no feeling, which is fine.  I really don't mind that part too much.  It's just so awkward and annoying to have these hard plastic things stuck inside my chest.  It's like having expandable tupperware in place of my boobs!  They don't move, so if I turn my body they are in the way.  If I cross my arms, I feel like I have rocks in the way of my arms.  I have trouble comfortably painting my toenails because I have to kind of reach around the rock-hard, non-moving expanders.  I can't just press my arm against them to squeeze them out of the way like I did with my real boobs!  Again, I have been assured by several people that my silicon implants will be nothing like this.  They'll move and squish and feel pretty real.  So this is just the part where I have to deal with the ugly bulges and the uncomfortable expanders and it will all be over soon!

Dr. C says my exchange surgery will be in September probably.  I have to finish getting my fills until I'm happy with the size, and then the expanders stay in for 2 months without getting fills.  I'm not as stressed about this surgery, since the first one went so flawlessly.  I know that will change as it gets closer but hopefully I won't spend my entire summer worrying about it, and I'll do great.  That's the plan anyway :)

First fill!

Today I had my first fill. I was so nervous! It was really nothing though. The PA put this little magnet thing on my chest and pushed down to make a mark on my skin. Then she inserted a needle and filled me up!  I felt a little pinch when the needle went through the muscle on the left side but I didn't feel a thing on the right. She also drained some of my seroma while she had the needle in there. I got 50ccs in each side. She said I'll get at least 300ccs total in each side but probably more like 400-450 to be a large B cup. I'll probably ask to see the implants when we get closer to being done with the fills. 

After she was done, I noticed my incisions aren't as puckered as they had been and the skin is stretched out some. My muscles were a little sore this afternoon but nothing major. All in all it was pretty easy and quick. 

She told me to keep wearing compression bras for a little longer and then I can go buy a new bra. Hahaha!  Crazy lady. What bra?  These babies don't even move, why the hell would I need a bra?  I can't wait to go braless!

Here, a before and after from this morning and this afternoon. 

Prep Work

Now that I've done the hardest parts of my journey, I thought it would be helpful to make a list of the things I found useful for recovery.  I love my lists, as anyone who knows me knows very well!  So here goes...

- Button up shirts.  You will not be able to get into a normal shirt for at least a few days.  You can't reach above your head until the drains are out.  So button up shirts are really important if you want to wear clothes!  I bought a bunch at Goodwill.  Make sure they're baggy, because you'll be smuggling drains around underneath it!

- A recliner.  I rented one from Rent-a-Center for three weeks, and I stopped sleeping in it about 2 weeks out from surgery.  But it was really useful for me to sleep in.  I recommend an electric one that you can gradually get up from.  Moving is hard for the first week or so.

- Comfort food.  Either make it ahead or make sure someone can cook for you.  You'll feel like crap and comfort food like lasagna made me feel better :)

- Straws.  As a mom of little kids, I have plenty on hand.  They were very useful because for a while there I couldn't tip my cup back so straws were super helpful.

- Lots of pillows.  I think this speaks for itself.

- Sports bras that clasp or zip in the front.  Sometimes you're going to have to wash that lovely binder they give you in the hospital, and they only give you one.  I bought some Hanes front clasp sports bras at Walmart for like $6 each and I love them.  They were great for when my binder was washing, and now that I'm not wearing my binder anymore I wear those every day since I still need the compression.

- A lanyard.  You'll want to shower, and you have to hang your drains on something.

- Q-tips, gauze pads, alcohol pads, and peroxide.  You'll need all of this for drain care.  The hospital provided some of this but we needed more.

- A sprayer.  Whether in your sink or your shower, you'll want a sprayer so someone can wash your hair.

- Loose pants that you can pull on easily.  You'll be shocked at how weak your arms are.  Buttoning jeans is still a small feat for me almost 3 weeks out.  You want pajama pants that are comfy and easy to slide up and down, unless you want company every time you have to use the potty :)

- Stuff to do.  I had computer games, Netflix, and crocheting to keep me occupied.  I got sucked in to watching Lost.  I was so bored.  I'm very active normally so it was really hard for me to be so bored.

I hope this helps someone.  These are my essentials for a mastectomy.  I've read that some people liked having robes or slippers or other stuff like that.  I had those things and never used them.  Soon I'm going to make a list of all the new "equipment" you'll be attached to when you come home, so stay tuned!

17 days post op

I feel really quite normal now. I'm still limited in what I can do and I get tired easily still. I can't cook and I'm certainly not running any 5ks any time soon. I can struggle my way into a normal shirt and shave my legs now though. A trip to Walmart wears me out and I can't push the shopping cart. I still have to wear sports bras constantly and I struggle through washing my hair or getting up off the floor if I sit down. I've moved from the recliner to the sofa and that's pretty comfortable for now. I like sleeping on my side with my back pushed up against the back of the sofa for support. My swelling has mostly subsided so I'm feeling a lot more comfortable.  I do feel bruised at my drain sites, and I can feel my expanders, which move a little when I turn certain ways. I think that's preventing me from moving like I should because I hate feeling them move. It's really gross. I'm still really liking being flat chested though. I go for my first fill in two days so hopefully I'll like that too. I'm pretty terrified of the giant syringe they're using though. I'll try and take a picture of it to post. It's horrifying!  I'm also very much not a fan of needles, so it could just be a personal issue for me! :)

Anyway, here's a picture I took this morning. It took way too long to squirm my way into that top and struggle with the buttons on my jeans but it was worth it to look like a normal human being!

Man boobs for me!

Yup. I have man boobs now. I've swollen so much under my arms that I now have weird man boobs. It doesn't hurt but it is annoying to have my arm rub against it constantly, especially since I have no feeling in the swollen part. 

The good thing is, I know it will go away. Patience, patience. Ugh. In the meantime I learned that its called seroma and its swelling and fluid buildup because I have extra skin where my expanders are. Basically it's empty space that my body decides to fill up with fluid. Yay. Dr. C can drain the fluid but I think I'll just let my body reabsorb it naturally. I'm not a huge fan of too many medical interventions if they're not necessary. I did find a massage technique called lymphatic massage that I think is helping. I found YouTube videos that demonstrate how to do it to yourself. You're basically massaging your armpit. Fun stuff. But my swelling goes down when I do it so I think it's working. I'll keep at it and hopefully the swelling will just stop altogether soon!

Drains are out, and some other fun stuff...

Two days ago I got my drains taken out, finally! I was pretty freaked out about it because I find the concept of drains extremely disgusting. But it really was quick and easy and painless. I had this chart I had been documenting my daily drainage on, and I had to be around 30-40mL a day in each side for two days before they would take them out. The PA took them out. She snipped the stitches and then told me I'd feel a tug, which is a pretty accurate description. Then I felt the tubing inside my body sliding out. It was so bizarre. It actually felt like someone was running their finger along my skin. It felt like it was outside rather than inside. After she took out the drains she said that she could do a fill. But I took one look at those giant syringes and chickened out. Plus, she said I would swell after the drain removal so I figured it would be better to just tackle one problem at a time. I scheduled my first fill for next Friday. 

After that appointment, I went downstairs for my appointment with Dr. F. He said that my chest might look scary right now but that its going to look fantastic when its done. I had plenty of skin to spare in the boob area lol!  My boobs kind of look like puckered mouths. Like they just ate lemons. There's a lot of extra skin and it all folds and puckers towards the incision sites. I told my mom they look grouchy. Anyway, back to the appointment. Dr. F made me put my arms above my head.  That was the first time since surgery and I was scared it would hurt but it didn't. I actually don't have any pain at all anymore. My arms feel weak and its hard to stretch the muscles but my exercises will have me back to normal soon I think. He told me to go ahead and start my phase two exercises and to start trying to ease back into normal life some, but not to push myself. He also told me that based on my pathology report and what he saw during surgery, he estimates my breast cancer risk to be around 1%!  That's amazing news!  From 87% to 1% is absolutely amazing. I'm so happy that I made this choice. 

One other thing I want to mention is swelling. Prior to surgery nobody ever mentioned swelling to me. I was not aware of this. It's awful and uncomfortable. I have huge lumps under my armpits and the fronts of my boobs. The swelling is so bad on the right that my expander is poking out weird and really bugging me. I'm not in pain, it's just annoying. Plus when I put on clothes I look like I have man boobs with all the underarm swelling!  The worst part is that there's nothing I can do about it. I can't use a heating pad because I have no feeling in large patches of my chest so I can't feel if its too hot. And massage isn't helping. Dr. C's PA told me that I can take ibuprofen for swelling and that I should keep a tight sports bra on all the time, and that too much activity can cause extra swelling. She also said that if my body doesn't start to reabsorb the fluid they can drain it with a needle at my next appointment. So I'm hoping my body starts to cooperate and absorb this fluid already!  

The upside to all of this is my recovery. Last night I took my first normal shower. I was able to face the water and I didn't have to have a lanyard with drains hanging around my neck. I even washed my own hair for the first time!  The whole thing was very exciting. I've always enjoyed my hot showers and I've missed them. It was really nice to be able to feel normal again. One weird thing I'll mention is that I could feel the water hitting my expanders and it was strange. I can't feel the skin directly above the expanders at all so it was odd to know water was hitting there and I couldn't feel it. I know I've lost some feeling forever but I hope some of it comes back, especially under my armpits. I'm sure I'll get used to it quickly if the feeling doesn't come back, but it would be nice :)

Other than all that, there's nothing new to report. I'm feeling good and recovering quickly. I hate not being totally independent yet but I'm getting there little by little. For only 12 days post op I think I'm doing excellent!  

What 100ccs looks like

Since I'm about to start getting fills next week I figured I'd document what I look like at each step. Right now I'm kind of swollen on the sides under my armpits but other than that you can get a pretty good idea of what I look like with 100ccs in each side. Dr. C put in 100ccs during surgery and I haven't had a fill yet. I'm probably going to have 50ccs in each side next time and I'll post pics then too!

Post mastectomy, day 8

Well here I am, 8 days after my mastectomy. I'm feeling pretty decent. I'm still slow moving, and I still have a lot of physical limitations. I can lift my arms to shoulder height in the front, and nearly that high out to the sides. I'm doing ten reps of exercises three times a day now. I'm able to open the fridge and reach in for something at medium height that doesn't weigh too much. I can brush my hair and put it in low pigtails, which looks ridiculous at my age I'm sure!  I can fold a few articles of clothing before I get tired and I can dress myself. It takes time but I get it done. Today I even managed to pull a very loose tank top over my head and get my arms through!  That's the first time since surgery that I've worn a top without buttons. I still can't shave under my arms, because I can't reach. It's so gross. I also can't wash my own hair. I think that early next week I'll be able to do both of these things though. 

Pain wise, I feel really good. I haven't taken any Tylenol in more than 24 hours and I feel pretty comfortable. My biggest complaint is actually that my back is killing me, right in between my shoulder blades. I'm attributing that to the recliner that I'm still sleeping in every night. I tried to sleep in my bed one night but only made it until 4 am before I was back in the recliner. I feel like I need to be propped up a lot to be comfortable and I just can't get that same angle in the bed. The recliner doesn't have much back support though, so that's not helping things. 

My swelling is going down and my incisions are almost all the way healed. I only still have sutures at the ends of the incisions. My drain incisions are super annoying. They itch and the tubing cuts into my sides where my right sports bra holds them against my skin. I cannot wait until they come out!  I've gotten over the grossness but I'm still not taking care of them myself. My mom went back to Florida last night so my husband has had to take over drain care. 

My other major annoyance is the tissue expanders. They hurt. I can feel the edges of them under my skin and they push against my sternum. It's uncomfortable when I'm trying to sleep and it restricts me from taking deep breaths. I hope they become less noticeable as the get filled!

I guess that's all there is to report right now. I'm trying to document everything as accurately as possible. Before my mastectomy I read a ton of blogs just like this and found all the info extremely helpful, and I want to be able to do the same for others. I've been taking pictures of my chest for before, during and after shots of my journey but I haven't decided whether to share them or not. If anyone is reading this and you're contemplating a mastectomy and you want to see my progress, please feel free to reach out to me. I think I'd be more comfortable sharing on a personal basis. 

A note about breast size...

Before surgery, I was a DD. Dr. C put 100ccs of fluid in each of my expanded during surgery. So, I'm pretty flat chested, and I have to say that I kind of like it!  I'm definitely not missing my DDs right now!

My First Mastectomy Post Op Appointment

Well today I had my first appointment at Dr. C's office. It did not go my way, unfortunately. I was really hoping to get the drains out but the PA, who I'm not particularly fond of, said I still have too much drainage. So I have to spend another weekend with drains. I'm hoping they can come out on Monday, and a friend has offered to take me to the office if I can get them out. That will be a huge relief!  The PA did take out my pain pump, which had been empty for two days and I was thoroughly tired of carrying around!  I didn't even feel it come out, and I was surprised that it was done so quickly. Hopefully the drains are similar. The PA also told me that my incisions look excellent and I'm healing nicely. So at least there's some good news amid my disappointing appointment. 

Just an interesting side note. When we were leaving the hospital we got in the elevator with another woman leaving the breast center. She told me that she loves my pink hair. Then she said, "But pink has become my favorite color ever since I got this cancer diagnosis!  Am I right?!"  She thought I had breast cancer. Weird. I mean, I know why she thought it. It just made me feel weird. It feels wrong to let people think I have or had cancer but I also don't want to run around explaining my life story to everyone I meet. I guess I'll figure out what to say with experience :)

Also, here's a peek at my pink hair, which I did two weeks ago, back when my arms still worked lol!

Pathology report

Dr. F just called to inform me that my pathology report came back. The tissue was benign, fibrous tissue with no lymph nodes. In other words, no sign of impending cancer!  It's pretty much what I expected but its still nice to hear it. I have to admit I was a little worried they might find precancerous cells or something. So today is a pretty good day :)

Small Victories!

Here are the things I did today:

Went to a fast food restaurant and sat in the chair for half an hour. Granted, my mom had to guide me and help me in and out of the chair, order my food, carry it to the table, and open it all for me. I was able to put my straw in my cup though. I was pretty proud of that. 

I changed the radio station from the passenger seat of my car. Using my foot. 

I did not almost pass out when my mom emptied my drains. 

I sat in a chair on my front porch for a half hour before having to retreat back to my recliner. 

I got myself a piece of cheesecake from the fridge. The paper plates are low and within reach and the cheesecake was high enough in the fridge that I didn't have to bend much. 

I shaved my legs. I had to sit in the bathtub to do it, and I missed a whole bunch of spots because I'm not very flexible. But it's an improvement. 

I climbed into my bed and sat. I was unable to rearrange the pillows to make myself comfortable though. I was also unable to get out of the bed, so my mom had to roll me out. 

Things I tried and could not do today:

Pluck my bushy overgrown eyebrows. I tried. But I can't reach!

Wash and brush my hair. I had another harrowing shampoo job in my kitchen sink while my mom squirted water into my eyes and down my shirt :)

Take off my binder. It keeps all my muscles compressed. When it comes off it hurts. So I try to avoid that. I know my mom needs to look at my incisions but I'm a wuss. 

Ride comfortably in the car. The bumping along and braking and accelerating is really not my friend right now. 

I think that list sums it up pretty good. I'm moving around decently. I'm not on pain meds. Just Tylenol twice a day on average. I'm keeping up with my arm and chest exercises really well and I'm definitely seeing improvement. I actually had a period today with no pain or discomfort at all and that was quite nice. Tonight I'm going to try and sleep in my bed for the first time. I've been sleeping in a recliner in my living room all week and its starting to hurt my back. I hope I can roll out of bed in the morning!

Post op!

Well here I am, four days post op. I'm not gonna lie, it was scary. I only slept about three hours the night before. I packed a bag with a robe, some button up pajamas, socks, a toothbrush and a brush. Really that was all I needed. I had to stop eating and drinking at midnight the night before so I was starving and desperate for coffee. At 7:15 my mom and I dropped off my kids with my friend. She watched them both days I was at the hospital. My daughters are 3 and 4. That was hard on me. I cried when I left them. I've never been away from them that long before, and they thought I was just going to a doctor appointment. I didn't want to tell them I was at the hospital because that would scare them. I told them later, but I'll get to that. 

When we got to the hospital, we parked in the garage and headed inside. We had to get stickers at the information desk and then we went up the elevator to the fifth floor. We met my husband and father there. We all sat down and a patient advocate came and introduced herself and told us what was going to happen and what they would be doing while I was in surgery. They had a code name for each patient, which was the first letters of your first and last name plus your birthday. On a tv screen, each patient code name was listed and color coded with a key that said where the patient was (pre op, OR, post op, etc). It was very cool. After a few minutes a nurse came and got me. She weighed me and asked me a bunch of questions about my eating and drinking and the procedure I was having. That's when I started crying. I'm not gonna lie. I have never been more scared in my life. The nurses were very nice to me and I think she gave me a hug. She took me to my pre op room and gave me two gowns to put on and a warm blanket and some yellow skid socks. 

After a few minutes my pre op nurse came in and talked me down a little and reassured me that I was absolutely going to be fine. She set me up with an IV of saline and then Dr. C, my plastic surgeon, came in. He was so sweet and reassuring. He told me about his first time undergoing surgery on himself and that he's never had major complications with mastectomy procedures. We talked about the size I want to be, and he looked at me quite dubiously like he always does when I say I want my DD to be a large B!  I think he thinks I have no idea what I'm talking about. Oh well. It's the plastic surgeon in him I guess!  He had me sign a consent form and drew on my chest with purple marker. I took a picture after he left. It's my very last boob pic. 

The anesthesiologist came in next. She was really nice and also reassuring. She asked me a lot of questions about what drugs I take, what I have taken in the past, how different drugs make me feel, and whether I'd had surgery before (I hadn't). She said her main priority would be to have me wake up in little to no pain, and with little to no nausea. 

After that, my parents and husband were escorted back. Luckily I had stopped crying by then!  They asked me what had been happening so far and they told me what they'd been up to the last half hour. We just hung out and they were a big help at keeping my mind calm. 

About ten am, Dr. F came to see me. He told me the surgery was going to be great and I would be fine and that I was making a great choice. He was really helpful at making me feel better. A few minutes later, his surgical nurse came in and put a lovely blue puffy hat on my head, placed me in a wheelchair and told my family to follow her to the waiting room. That's when I lost it. I cried all the way to the waiting room, into the elevator, through the hallways of the surgical floor, into the OR. When I got inside, the anesthesiologist was standing at a table that was covered in pillows and blankets, situated under some gigantic round lights. There were techs and nurses gathering supplies and walking around. Dr. F was in a corner getting his tools together, I assume. He said hi to me, and the anesthesiologist told me to come lie down on the table. I cried harder. I remember the surgical nurse guiding me from the wheelchair to the table and laying me down. I was crying really hard. I was so scared!  The anesthesiologist told me I would be fine and that she was putting something in my IV that would calm me down and put a big smile on my face. If there was an oxygen mask, I never saw it. 

The next thing I remember was hearing a tech say, "Did you see her tattoo?  It's so cool!  It says Fight Like a Girl!"  Then I felt someone moving me from the operating table to a gurney. I felt blankets cover me and I felt the sides of the gurney lock into place. Then I was out again. 

I woke up in spurts. I saw the clock each time I woke up and I thought there must be a mistake. Dr. F said I'd get out of surgery around 2:30, and I'd be unaware of what was going on for about an hour. But the clock said 2:20. I found out later that my four and a half hour surgery only took three hours. A nurse was next to me, and I was hooked up to a monitor. She was updating the computer screen that would tell my family in the waiting room that I was awake. I asked her if it was really 2:20, and if I could have something to eat. She asked what I want and I said I'd love a cheeseburger. She laughed. I wasn't joking. I also told her I was really itchy. I felt like I had ants crawling on my face. She told me it was probably a side effect of the dilaudid and she put some Benadryl in my IV and she washed my face with a cold wash cloth. The itchiness went away pretty quickly after that. I felt pretty lucky to not feel nauseous or in pain. I was a little groggy but I think I felt pretty good considering everything I'd just been through!

I tried to look down at my chest but I had layers of blankets covering me and my arms were too weak to lift them off. I could tell I was pretty flat though. The nurse brought me some water, and then a diet coke a few minutes later. After about a half hour my dad and husband came in. They were allowed to stay for ten minutes. I only vaguely remember the conversation, but my husband told me that Dr. F and Dr. C both said I'm very healthy and the surgery went better than expected. I told my husband to smuggle me in a cheeseburger too. 

At about 3:15 a nurse came and wheeled me out of recovery. The room was really large and full of people on gurneys in various stages of post op. We went into an elevator and went to the 14th floor. When we got to my room, my mom, dad, husband, and my new nurse were there waiting for me. My new nurse made me get off the gurney and walk to my bed. I have no idea how I got from the gurney to the bed, but I do remember her making me do it. 

Within the hour, my dad went home, my husband went to pick up our kids to take them home for the night, and my mom was settling down in her recliner bed to spend the night with me. My nurse brought me a turkey sandwich and showed me how to use the bed and the remote, explained my pain management options, showed me my scars and wrinkled boobies, explained my drains and how to care for them, and escorted me to the bathroom. 

Later that night I ate hummus and pretzels, a calzone, and an apple cobbler. I never once felt queasy. I took 5mg of oxycodone for the pain, along with 1000mg of Tylenol. I was able to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, and we took a walk through the hallways in the middle of the night when I was feeling stir crazy. 

The next morning I met an occupational therapist who taught me some extremely painful but useful exercises to do. The nurse from Dr. F's office came to check on me and told me I looked great. I was released by 11:30 am with a prescription for oxycodone and another for an antibiotic. 

That was Friday. Today is Monday. I feel pretty good overall. My drains are doing their jobs, my incisions are healing nicely. I am able to maintain a good attitude and everyone keeps telling me I'm doing better than expected. People have been bringing me dinners which is fantastic. A lot of my "friends" that had disappeared on me still haven't made an appearance. At least I know where we stand now. 

My kids are trying to help too. They're taking it pretty well. My three year old ran around the house yelling, "Mommy's boobies are cut off!  They're cut off!"  My four year old has been helping my mom clean and empty my drains. They're both getting me things when I ask and they want to be my doctors. I'm glad they're taking it so well. I told them I had to get my boobies cut off because they were going to make me sick, and that Grammie had to do it too a long time ago. My oldest daughter asked if she would have to get hers cut off one day too. I told her I hope not. 

So. That was long and now I'm tired. But I'm glad I had the energy to write it. Surgery is more exhausting than I ever thought it would be!  I'll be back soon to update further. I'll hopefully get my drains removed this week and I'll  definitely post about that fun experience!

Thanks for all the thoughts and well wishes!  I'll leave you here with a before and after pic :)

The day the world stood still

Well here we are. May 30 at midnight. Surgery day. In ten hours I won't have breasts and I will never again have feeling in my chest. I won't have nipples. The only thing keeping me going right now is knowing that I also won't have an 87% risk of developing breast cancer. So totally worth it. 

Right now I'm relatively calm. I've gone into planning mode. I'm packing my hospital bag, thinking about questions to ask the anesthesiologist, trying to rember to change the cat litter and feed everyone (kids and pets!) before leaving for the hospital. I'm very busy. Which is good. I do well when I'm busy. 

I'm still really scared. But I've gotten so much encouragement from friends over the past few days and I know so many people are rooting for me and they're behind me, supporting me. They all think I'm brave. I feel like a big baby, crying and freaking out like I'm bipolar or something. I don't understand what's brave about that. I don't consider myself brave. Just proactive and smart. 

Well. I'm picking up my mom from the airport and then I'm heading home to get a few hours of sleep. Hopefully. I'll post after I'm back home and feeling like my head is back together. The next twenty four hours is going to be the scariest day of my life. But I'm still thinking about that quote, "Feel the fear and do it anyway."  And I am. And it's the right decision. **Deep breaths**

This is stressful!

Surgery is only days away. I'm absolutely terrified. I can't sleep. I'm stress eating. Diet is totally out the window. I feel nauseous pretty much every second of every day. I've even thrown up a couple times. This is not good. I know I need to chill. I'm trying. I have generalized anxiety disorder to begin with. Obviously this stress is not helping!

I've scheduled a massage for tonight, and I've been taking bubble baths every night and I started a new book. Unfortunately none of that is particularly distracting so far. I keep telling myself I'll be fine, and I just have to get through the next day and a half and the worrying part will be over. Deep breaths. Omg. 

Sadly, the worst thing I have to report is the disappearance of some of my friends and family. I don't know where they have gone, but certain friends and family members have been the opposite of supportive. It's kind of eye opening really. You truly do find out who cares when you're in a scary situation and half of your support system vanishes on you. Some of these people are close to me, or so I thought. Some of these people are friends that I have gone out of my way to help, or make them feel important, on more than one occasion. Some of these people are family members that I have depended on my whole life. I'm really shocked and saddened by the lack of concern from these people.  I've decided not to say anything to them, but its hard. I don't hold my tongue that easily and I really want to call them out on it. But I'm going to be the bigger person. Even though I don't want to. 

But anyway. Tomorrow night I pick my mom up from the airport. Thursday morning, I have to drop my daughters off at my friend's house so she can watch them, and I have to be at the hospital at 8 am. I'm just struggling to find the courage to get through the next two days. 

I think I can, I think I can....

Ten days to go!

It's been a busy two weeks for me!

My boobs and I ran our last 5k together. It was for SGK again, of course. This time it was at the Pimlico race track where they do the Preakness. It poured the night before so the whole track was a sopping muddy mess. I saw people fall and lose their shoes too!  It was crazy. 

I also ended up on the news. I went in for my pre-op instructions and when I got there, they asked me if I'd do a news interview with our local news station!  This was the day after the Angelina Jolie mastectomy story broke so it was a hot news story I guess. I had no makeup on and day old hair and cat hair on my shirt so I'm sure I looked awesome. The lady asked me a lot of questions about how I got to this point and what guided me in my decision making. Only like three seconds of it aired. Just long enough for everyone I went to high school with to recognize me and say, "wow, she looks rough!"  Lol. But it's okay. I'm glad I did it. I feel like its important to put a human face on something like this. People were texting me and emailing me all day that they saw me on the news. It was pretty weird. 

On to the surgery details!  They gave me some special soap I have to use the night before and the morning of surgery. They also gave me special wash cloths to use. She showed me a drain and how they work in my body and how they will pull them out, and we went over how to track the amount of liquid that comes out each day. Super gross. Luckily my mom is a nurse and she will be here to take care of yucky stuff like that for the first few days! We also discussed my post op appointments. I'll meet with Dr. F one week post op and Dr. C two weeks post op. I think. I might have that backwards but they'll make the appointments for me lol!  At any rate, she also told me how the surgery will work and what my mom and husband will be doing and what will happen immediately after surgery. I have a really good understanding of the entire process so I feel good about that. 

I've been reading about anesthesia too, mostly to calm my nerves. It's not working though. I'm terrified!  I know I'll be fine. The logical party of my brain knows that this is a relatively safe procedure and I have excellent and experienced surgeons. I just wish I could tell the crazy part of my brain to STFU!

Oh well. Counting down. Ten days to go! Let the sleepless nights commence!

May Already?!

Well. It appears to be surgery month. I'm not gonna lie. I'm seriously freaking out. Surgery is on my mind way too much I think. I wish I could find a way to turn it off. But that's how I am. I obsess over things until I make myself crazy or sick or both and in the end it's not worth the obsession. I just have to get through this month. Then it will be over. Well, the first surgery anyway!

"Feel the fear and do it anyway!" -Unknown

Just Got Real.

Yup. This just came in the mail along with pre-op instructions. I'm freaking out just a little. Now it's real. Like really real. Whoa.

Onward...

I'm mentally preparing myself for my surgery now.  It's getting closer and closer and I'm getting scared.  I have never had surgery, so not only do I not know what to expect, but I am also worried about the recovery, and the negative opinions I'll be facing.  I know I shouldn't be worried about that, but it's hard to ignore it when people you love and respect judge you critically.  Anyway, my mom booked her flight and my surgeon's office confirmed I still have my May 30th appointment, so I suppose we are on track!  Dr. F also called me and informed me that my mammogram and MRI both came back great so I don't have to have any lymph nodes removed during surgery.  I have to remember to ask him whether they are still going to biopsy the breast tissue they remove.  I think they will, but its better to be sure!

I also had lunch with a friend I have made on my journey.  Her name is M Hart and she has a blog as well, which is featured on my blogroll over there on the right -------->
I had lunch with M because I was obsessing over whether implants were the right course for me.  M had the other surgery, the flap one, where they pull your existing tissue up into your chest and make you new boobs. I'm so glad we had lunch because M reminded me why I had chosen the implant surgery in the first place, so I am back to being confident in my decision.

I've also decided to run one last 5k before surgery.  There's a Preakness 5k that benefits Susan G. Komen next month, so I have plenty of time to get ready for it.  It feels nice to have a goal other than just surgery.  I like the distraction!

I Got New Ink!

I have been wanting this tattoo for a long time, probably about 2 years.  Originally I only wanted a pink ribbon that said Fight Like A Girl.  But about a year ago, my brothers both got a set of purple boxing gloves tattooed on their legs in honor of my mom.  She is a two time survivor and her favorite color is purple.  So I wanted to incorporate the gloves into my design, but I had no idea how.  My sister-in-law and I came up with numerous ideas and my brothers helped a little too, as did my mom.  We all kind of hit dead ends.  So I decided to share my ideas with a professional and let him draw it out, and I am so glad that I did.  I absolutely love my newest tattoo, and I am so glad that I got it done!

My Ovaries Look Beautiful.

...according to my ultrasound, anyway. In addition, my uterus is in fantastic shape and I'm looking good in all of my reproductive areas. I saw Dr. I last week and he gave me my glowing report. Now I have to go do my annual CA 125 blood test, which is the one where they check my cell counts to see if the numbers are astronomically high, which could indicate ovarian cancer. No big deal. That's the easiest of all of my tests. I'll see Dr. I again in September. By then I may have my implants in!!

Speaking of implants, Dr. F called to tell me that my MRI and mammogram came back clear and that we're all set to proceed with surgery. His surgery scheduler called to tell me she's going to send me a packet with all my instructions. He also told me that since I've never had any suspicious cells in my scans, we don't need to remove a lymph node during surgery. So that's one less decision that needs to be made!

I'm really nervous still, of course, but I'm starting to get a little excited. I really want to move forward and get this done so I can put it behind me. Obviously I know it will never truly go away. I will still have to see Dr. F, Dr. I and Dr. C for many years to come. But once a year is way better than twice a year each plus numerous medical exams and tests. I hate those. Plus, I get to get a breast reduction, which makes me super happy considering I'm now a DD. I might have to burn my bras in the fireplace to celebrate :)

Done With Tests!

Woohoo! I'm so happy to report that today, I had my very last mammogram and breast MRI! Well, I might have another MRI in like ten years to check the integrity of my implants but that's so far away it's not worth worrying about. Even then, the MRI will be much shorter and I won't have to get the contrast dye. Yay! I'm so excited. No more boob squishing or metal tasting tests for this chick!

Surgery is coming up fast. I'm getting scared and excited at the same time. I'm excited to not have to struggle with strapless bras (or any bras!) anymore, and I'm scared that they're going to put me under and I won't wake up. I'm sure that's probably normal and I'm sure I'll be fine. It's just a nagging little thing in the worrying region of my brain I suppose :)

Anyway, I'm going on vacation tomorrow for my brothers wedding, so I'm excited for that too! I need a thesaurus, I think...

I Have A Following??

So, I've been tracking my page views, and it seems that people are actually reading this.  Which is awesome, that was the intention.  I'm just kind of surprised.  I have two official "Followers," so I don't really know who my readers are, but please feel free to introduce yourselves if you ever want to say Hi!

Boob Identity Crisis

Ever since I scheduled my surgery, I find myself having odd thoughts, like, "This will be the last winter I have nipples," and, "My upcoming trip to Florida will be my last vacation with real boobs."  Weird, right?  I've also been browsing maxi dresses online because I'm going to Florida in March for my little brother's wedding, and I need some cute stuff to wear.  I've recently become obsessed with maxi dresses, but that's really not my point.  Anyway.  So I'm looking at maxi dresses and realizing that I probably shouldn't buy any because right now, with my DDs, I need a size Large.  But after my surgery and fills and everything, clothes are going to fit so differently.  I mean, I'm going from a DD to almost totally flat, and then two weeks later I can start getting fills, but it will be at least 6 weeks before I'm at the size I think I want to be, which is a large B.  I've been top heavy all my life and I'm over it.  I'm excited to see what my new body will look like, but it freaks me out a little when I think about how I have no idea how my clothes will fit.  It's going to take a lot of getting used to.  This is going to be my frumpy summer where nothing quite fits right, I think!

Good Friends With Good Taste!

Today I got a wonderful surprise in the mail.  A friend of mine, who doesn't live close, mailed me a beautiful Origami Owl necklace in a show of support for my upcoming surgery.  As I've mentioned before, I'm not getting a lot of support from my family members and a lot of people think I'm being extremist.  I have a fabulous group of friends who do love me and support me, and it means so much when they do things like this to show their support.  I am so grateful for friends like her.

Check out my awesome necklace!  She put a cupcake in there for me since I have a cake business out of my house.

Surgery Date!

Exciting news!  I have been talking to both my breast surgeon and my plastic surgeon and we've scheduled a surgery date!  They both walked me through the whole process of what happens before and after so I feel like I have a good handle on the plan.  That's very important for me because I'm a bit of a control freak!

The first step is the paperwork, which I'll get in the mail in April.  Then I have to go do some physical exams and blood work and that type of pre-op stuff.  Maybe even an EKG since I have a heart murmur that I've had since birth.  Once that is all done, I'll have an appointment at my breast surgeon's office and they'll give me a rundown of how surgery day is going to go and answer any questions.  Then I have the surgery on May 30!  That's a tentative date because its too far out to know whether either doctor will be on vacation then or whatever, but that's my date unless something changes in the schedule.  I'm psyched and terrified!

I know I'll be in the hospital for a day or two, which sucks.  Then after that I can go home, and I'll have drains in my armpits.  Dr. C, my plastic surgeon, told me that he will remove my drains after about a week.  Then about 2 weeks post op, he can start filling my tissue expanders.  So for about two weeks I am going to be almost totally flat chested.  Right now I'm a DD so that's going to be a shock for me!  I'll get fills every week for 6-8 weeks, maybe longer, depending on what size breasts I feel comfortable with.  As of now, I am aiming for a large B or a small C.  I've been large chested all my life and it's not nearly as much fun as it might sound.

After all my fills are done and I'm happy with my size, I have to leave the expanders in for another 2 months or so, so they can effectively stretch my skin.  Then I'll schedule my swap surgery for the fall sometime, and that will be an outpatient procedure where I just have the expanders taken out and my implants go in.

The best part of all this is, I won't have to have another mammogram for the rest of my life, and I won't need an MRI unless they find something concerning.  I've never had surgery before, so this is all pretty terrifying for me.  But I know its the right decision.  I know its the best thing to do, for myself and for my children.  And I know it will be a huge relief when its all over and done with.

Now I just have to be brave enough to tell the world (and my family!) what I'm about to do.  Very few people are supportive of this endeavor, so I have to brace myself...