This is stressful!

Surgery is only days away. I'm absolutely terrified. I can't sleep. I'm stress eating. Diet is totally out the window. I feel nauseous pretty much every second of every day. I've even thrown up a couple times. This is not good. I know I need to chill. I'm trying. I have generalized anxiety disorder to begin with. Obviously this stress is not helping!

I've scheduled a massage for tonight, and I've been taking bubble baths every night and I started a new book. Unfortunately none of that is particularly distracting so far. I keep telling myself I'll be fine, and I just have to get through the next day and a half and the worrying part will be over. Deep breaths. Omg. 

Sadly, the worst thing I have to report is the disappearance of some of my friends and family. I don't know where they have gone, but certain friends and family members have been the opposite of supportive. It's kind of eye opening really. You truly do find out who cares when you're in a scary situation and half of your support system vanishes on you. Some of these people are close to me, or so I thought. Some of these people are friends that I have gone out of my way to help, or make them feel important, on more than one occasion. Some of these people are family members that I have depended on my whole life. I'm really shocked and saddened by the lack of concern from these people.  I've decided not to say anything to them, but its hard. I don't hold my tongue that easily and I really want to call them out on it. But I'm going to be the bigger person. Even though I don't want to. 

But anyway. Tomorrow night I pick my mom up from the airport. Thursday morning, I have to drop my daughters off at my friend's house so she can watch them, and I have to be at the hospital at 8 am. I'm just struggling to find the courage to get through the next two days. 

I think I can, I think I can....

Ten days to go!

It's been a busy two weeks for me!

My boobs and I ran our last 5k together. It was for SGK again, of course. This time it was at the Pimlico race track where they do the Preakness. It poured the night before so the whole track was a sopping muddy mess. I saw people fall and lose their shoes too!  It was crazy. 

I also ended up on the news. I went in for my pre-op instructions and when I got there, they asked me if I'd do a news interview with our local news station!  This was the day after the Angelina Jolie mastectomy story broke so it was a hot news story I guess. I had no makeup on and day old hair and cat hair on my shirt so I'm sure I looked awesome. The lady asked me a lot of questions about how I got to this point and what guided me in my decision making. Only like three seconds of it aired. Just long enough for everyone I went to high school with to recognize me and say, "wow, she looks rough!"  Lol. But it's okay. I'm glad I did it. I feel like its important to put a human face on something like this. People were texting me and emailing me all day that they saw me on the news. It was pretty weird. 

On to the surgery details!  They gave me some special soap I have to use the night before and the morning of surgery. They also gave me special wash cloths to use. She showed me a drain and how they work in my body and how they will pull them out, and we went over how to track the amount of liquid that comes out each day. Super gross. Luckily my mom is a nurse and she will be here to take care of yucky stuff like that for the first few days! We also discussed my post op appointments. I'll meet with Dr. F one week post op and Dr. C two weeks post op. I think. I might have that backwards but they'll make the appointments for me lol!  At any rate, she also told me how the surgery will work and what my mom and husband will be doing and what will happen immediately after surgery. I have a really good understanding of the entire process so I feel good about that. 

I've been reading about anesthesia too, mostly to calm my nerves. It's not working though. I'm terrified!  I know I'll be fine. The logical party of my brain knows that this is a relatively safe procedure and I have excellent and experienced surgeons. I just wish I could tell the crazy part of my brain to STFU!

Oh well. Counting down. Ten days to go! Let the sleepless nights commence!

May Already?!

Well. It appears to be surgery month. I'm not gonna lie. I'm seriously freaking out. Surgery is on my mind way too much I think. I wish I could find a way to turn it off. But that's how I am. I obsess over things until I make myself crazy or sick or both and in the end it's not worth the obsession. I just have to get through this month. Then it will be over. Well, the first surgery anyway!

"Feel the fear and do it anyway!" -Unknown

Just Got Real.

Yup. This just came in the mail along with pre-op instructions. I'm freaking out just a little. Now it's real. Like really real. Whoa.

Onward...

I'm mentally preparing myself for my surgery now.  It's getting closer and closer and I'm getting scared.  I have never had surgery, so not only do I not know what to expect, but I am also worried about the recovery, and the negative opinions I'll be facing.  I know I shouldn't be worried about that, but it's hard to ignore it when people you love and respect judge you critically.  Anyway, my mom booked her flight and my surgeon's office confirmed I still have my May 30th appointment, so I suppose we are on track!  Dr. F also called me and informed me that my mammogram and MRI both came back great so I don't have to have any lymph nodes removed during surgery.  I have to remember to ask him whether they are still going to biopsy the breast tissue they remove.  I think they will, but its better to be sure!

I also had lunch with a friend I have made on my journey.  Her name is M Hart and she has a blog as well, which is featured on my blogroll over there on the right -------->
I had lunch with M because I was obsessing over whether implants were the right course for me.  M had the other surgery, the flap one, where they pull your existing tissue up into your chest and make you new boobs. I'm so glad we had lunch because M reminded me why I had chosen the implant surgery in the first place, so I am back to being confident in my decision.

I've also decided to run one last 5k before surgery.  There's a Preakness 5k that benefits Susan G. Komen next month, so I have plenty of time to get ready for it.  It feels nice to have a goal other than just surgery.  I like the distraction!

I Got New Ink!

I have been wanting this tattoo for a long time, probably about 2 years.  Originally I only wanted a pink ribbon that said Fight Like A Girl.  But about a year ago, my brothers both got a set of purple boxing gloves tattooed on their legs in honor of my mom.  She is a two time survivor and her favorite color is purple.  So I wanted to incorporate the gloves into my design, but I had no idea how.  My sister-in-law and I came up with numerous ideas and my brothers helped a little too, as did my mom.  We all kind of hit dead ends.  So I decided to share my ideas with a professional and let him draw it out, and I am so glad that I did.  I absolutely love my newest tattoo, and I am so glad that I got it done!

My Ovaries Look Beautiful.

...according to my ultrasound, anyway. In addition, my uterus is in fantastic shape and I'm looking good in all of my reproductive areas. I saw Dr. I last week and he gave me my glowing report. Now I have to go do my annual CA 125 blood test, which is the one where they check my cell counts to see if the numbers are astronomically high, which could indicate ovarian cancer. No big deal. That's the easiest of all of my tests. I'll see Dr. I again in September. By then I may have my implants in!!

Speaking of implants, Dr. F called to tell me that my MRI and mammogram came back clear and that we're all set to proceed with surgery. His surgery scheduler called to tell me she's going to send me a packet with all my instructions. He also told me that since I've never had any suspicious cells in my scans, we don't need to remove a lymph node during surgery. So that's one less decision that needs to be made!

I'm really nervous still, of course, but I'm starting to get a little excited. I really want to move forward and get this done so I can put it behind me. Obviously I know it will never truly go away. I will still have to see Dr. F, Dr. I and Dr. C for many years to come. But once a year is way better than twice a year each plus numerous medical exams and tests. I hate those. Plus, I get to get a breast reduction, which makes me super happy considering I'm now a DD. I might have to burn my bras in the fireplace to celebrate :)