The day the world stood still

Well here we are. May 30 at midnight. Surgery day. In ten hours I won't have breasts and I will never again have feeling in my chest. I won't have nipples. The only thing keeping me going right now is knowing that I also won't have an 87% risk of developing breast cancer. So totally worth it. 

Right now I'm relatively calm. I've gone into planning mode. I'm packing my hospital bag, thinking about questions to ask the anesthesiologist, trying to rember to change the cat litter and feed everyone (kids and pets!) before leaving for the hospital. I'm very busy. Which is good. I do well when I'm busy. 

I'm still really scared. But I've gotten so much encouragement from friends over the past few days and I know so many people are rooting for me and they're behind me, supporting me. They all think I'm brave. I feel like a big baby, crying and freaking out like I'm bipolar or something. I don't understand what's brave about that. I don't consider myself brave. Just proactive and smart. 

Well. I'm picking up my mom from the airport and then I'm heading home to get a few hours of sleep. Hopefully. I'll post after I'm back home and feeling like my head is back together. The next twenty four hours is going to be the scariest day of my life. But I'm still thinking about that quote, "Feel the fear and do it anyway."  And I am. And it's the right decision. **Deep breaths**

This is stressful!

Surgery is only days away. I'm absolutely terrified. I can't sleep. I'm stress eating. Diet is totally out the window. I feel nauseous pretty much every second of every day. I've even thrown up a couple times. This is not good. I know I need to chill. I'm trying. I have generalized anxiety disorder to begin with. Obviously this stress is not helping!

I've scheduled a massage for tonight, and I've been taking bubble baths every night and I started a new book. Unfortunately none of that is particularly distracting so far. I keep telling myself I'll be fine, and I just have to get through the next day and a half and the worrying part will be over. Deep breaths. Omg. 

Sadly, the worst thing I have to report is the disappearance of some of my friends and family. I don't know where they have gone, but certain friends and family members have been the opposite of supportive. It's kind of eye opening really. You truly do find out who cares when you're in a scary situation and half of your support system vanishes on you. Some of these people are close to me, or so I thought. Some of these people are friends that I have gone out of my way to help, or make them feel important, on more than one occasion. Some of these people are family members that I have depended on my whole life. I'm really shocked and saddened by the lack of concern from these people.  I've decided not to say anything to them, but its hard. I don't hold my tongue that easily and I really want to call them out on it. But I'm going to be the bigger person. Even though I don't want to. 

But anyway. Tomorrow night I pick my mom up from the airport. Thursday morning, I have to drop my daughters off at my friend's house so she can watch them, and I have to be at the hospital at 8 am. I'm just struggling to find the courage to get through the next two days. 

I think I can, I think I can....

Ten days to go!

It's been a busy two weeks for me!

My boobs and I ran our last 5k together. It was for SGK again, of course. This time it was at the Pimlico race track where they do the Preakness. It poured the night before so the whole track was a sopping muddy mess. I saw people fall and lose their shoes too!  It was crazy. 

I also ended up on the news. I went in for my pre-op instructions and when I got there, they asked me if I'd do a news interview with our local news station!  This was the day after the Angelina Jolie mastectomy story broke so it was a hot news story I guess. I had no makeup on and day old hair and cat hair on my shirt so I'm sure I looked awesome. The lady asked me a lot of questions about how I got to this point and what guided me in my decision making. Only like three seconds of it aired. Just long enough for everyone I went to high school with to recognize me and say, "wow, she looks rough!"  Lol. But it's okay. I'm glad I did it. I feel like its important to put a human face on something like this. People were texting me and emailing me all day that they saw me on the news. It was pretty weird. 

On to the surgery details!  They gave me some special soap I have to use the night before and the morning of surgery. They also gave me special wash cloths to use. She showed me a drain and how they work in my body and how they will pull them out, and we went over how to track the amount of liquid that comes out each day. Super gross. Luckily my mom is a nurse and she will be here to take care of yucky stuff like that for the first few days! We also discussed my post op appointments. I'll meet with Dr. F one week post op and Dr. C two weeks post op. I think. I might have that backwards but they'll make the appointments for me lol!  At any rate, she also told me how the surgery will work and what my mom and husband will be doing and what will happen immediately after surgery. I have a really good understanding of the entire process so I feel good about that. 

I've been reading about anesthesia too, mostly to calm my nerves. It's not working though. I'm terrified!  I know I'll be fine. The logical party of my brain knows that this is a relatively safe procedure and I have excellent and experienced surgeons. I just wish I could tell the crazy part of my brain to STFU!

Oh well. Counting down. Ten days to go! Let the sleepless nights commence!

May Already?!

Well. It appears to be surgery month. I'm not gonna lie. I'm seriously freaking out. Surgery is on my mind way too much I think. I wish I could find a way to turn it off. But that's how I am. I obsess over things until I make myself crazy or sick or both and in the end it's not worth the obsession. I just have to get through this month. Then it will be over. Well, the first surgery anyway!

"Feel the fear and do it anyway!" -Unknown